Ever had a ‘gut’ feeling?
All the fibers in my being were telling me that…sound familiar?
I’d qualify it as an instance where we are triggered into an intuitive sense of deep knowing that something is or isn’t ‘right’ for us, through the somatic response of our bodies (before our minds can even catch up - i.e. sensory activation that is impossible to ignore).
When I think back to my first burlesque show, what I remember most is what my body communicated to me then – in the present moment, it brought me the awareness that I should/could dig deeper into this wonderful world of grit and glitter. My guts were saying that an opportunity could be available to me there, which I could either choose to explore or ignore.
It hit differently than your average excitement over a new hobby or interest. In no uncertain terms, it seemed as though I was being shown a path toward my future. I recognized this sensation from a couple of other pivotal junctures in my life to that point, so I listened to my guts and chose exploration.
Then everything changed.
During the pandemi-lovato I realized that in the almost 15 years since that moment of ignition, I’ve never actually shared a full blow-by-blow of my burlesque origin story. Now, with all of the transformation that this pandemic has brought to my work and life, it has felt incredibly healing to walk back down memory lane and appreciate the journey that has led me to the place I write to you from today.
My burlesque journey began in 2006 and has since helped me realize my highest vibrating, most sizzling self (spoiler, haha).
This is how it all began:
My First Burlesque Show
It was a typically freezing and snowy winter holiday in the windy city. The streets were marked by colored lights and deep green garland, adding a distinctly cheery tone to the old architecture of this cultural hub of the midwestern United States.
It was December 2006 – I found myself in a smokey, upstairs dive bar, crowded with people cheerfully drinking and mingling while casually clinging to the snow coats that got them there semi-dry.
I was 21 years old. I came out that night on the promise of my friend Zach, who assured me there was a cool thing going on – a girl he just started seeing, he said, was in this awesome holiday show, which he described as, ‘burlesque’ and stuff –
“If the show is as fun as she is, it’s gonna be a fuckin great night.”
My life had been turned upside down only a few months prior, when my girlfriend of 4 years (who I moved to Chicago from Hawaii with), left me for another lady. I had grown up in that relationship and decided to move to Sacramento shortly after it ended. But I didn’t have people there yet, so I went back to Chicago for a trip to visit friends and keep my heart healing through the holidays. I was flexing and exploring my autonomy and sexuality, trying to keep my eyes open for the opportunity to find some ignition that would help me understand and define my path forward.
After finding Zach in the standing-room-only crowd, I started taking in my surroundings with a broader focus. I noticed people excitedly glancing over toward a small area at the front of the room, which was dressed in cheesy Xmas decor and sparkling fake snow. Oversized presents were mingled among the amps that cornered an only slightly elevated stage.
There were several festively (and scantily) clad (I assumed performers) sort of flirting their way through the audience, beginning to converge with convivial exuberance around and upon the staged area of the dingy dive bar’s main floor. It looked like Santa’s sexy motorcycle club had just shown up to have their annual holiday party, and let me tell ya – I was intrigued.
I looked over to Zach once more, who was smiling ear to ear at me with elevated eyebrows excitedly pointing out his new playmate among the cast. He gave me two thumbs up and we nodded affirmatively at each other, knowing this was bound to be a ridiculous experience, and focused our attention on the oddly motley crew that was posted up on stage.
Then the show began.
It was a punk rock, ensemble-style musical burlesque production that featured a loose narrative, zany original songs, lots of dance, stripping, audience interaction, and big laughs. It was gritty and real, just like the city I had fallen in love with and was about to leave again. It was sexy and fun and sarcastic and silly, and treated sexuality and society in a way that was instantly attractive to me. It was big and bold and loud and imaginative, brightly contrasting, constantly irreverent yet inexplicably genuine.
My body communicated to me loudly to pay attention to the bigger picture – that this was but one piece of a much larger whole, waiting for me to peel back the layers that might help me begin building toward the self-discovery and community that I so desired. I felt deep inside that there was a broad genre with endless possibilities for creativity, personal expression, and community attached to what I was witnessing, and I was IGNIGHTED by it.
It was obvious to me that punk rock Xmas wasn’t going to be my route of exploration within this new world of burlesque that had just been shown to me. My mind and body were already connecting to that thing I intuitively sensed would deliver me to something much deeper. Something I ultimately ended up referring to as – sizzle.
21-year-old me, literally in the midst of my search for meaning and connection. Seems pretty funny now, honestly. Sweet girl!
Lost and Found
I went back to Sacramento a few days later.
For weeks, I kept coming back to the energy of that show. I was ready to find community and myself through the experiences and connections I knew were out there waiting for me. I really, really wanted it to be through the vehicle of this magical thing called burlesque.
I had some theater and stage experience, as well as some gorgeous performing artist friends growing up in Hawaii (shout out to Iona Contemporary Dance Theatre). I had just spent two years in Chicago sending myself to school while working full-time for a very strong, successful, and entrepreneurial female realtor (thank you for everything, Deb!).
Pieces were falling into alignment for me, even though I hadn’t quite realized it yet.
I searched and searched for any active burlesque shows or community that was active in Sacramento, and found none. Zip. Zilch. Nada. The closest scene I discovered was 90 miles away in San Francisco, which at the time seemed way too far for what I was seeking.
I wanted to see what kind of life I could build right where I was. I wanted to live in a place where the vibrant, ridiculous, sexy, and exciting energy of live burlesque and variety entertainment was accessible right there at home. I wanted to illuminate for others what I already felt transforming within me through exposure to this art form. I wanted to uncover the truth of myself, as I had felt it beginning to sizzle its way into my consciousness the night of that first show.
I was still fresh to Sacramento with no human network or creative connections. Trying to figure out where and how to begin this journey, I felt it would be wise to come to the table with something more than a pitch if I expected to be heard, and inspire a community to gather around this idea of a burlesque troupe in the city.
So, I did what any sensible young person would do (not, lol). I decided to take the energy and inspiration I felt from my first burlesque experience and explored writing a production that I would then try to cast and produce. I was pumped, and very self-directed.
Self-directed? Definitely. Delusional? No.
I knew I needed somewhere to begin outside of my own creative intuition. So I tracked down the email for the producer of the show I saw in Chicago, giving her my compliments and explaining my situation and intention, to see if she had any advice for me. She responded really kindly and gave me some solid tips, including buying Jo Weldon’s Burlesque Handbook – which I did and used the pastie and assel forms included to craft the troupe’s first pairs. In later years, I’ve gotten to experience Jo both on stage and off, as part of the production team for the Burlesque Hall of Fame Weekender. At that time, I never imagined that would or could be my trajectory, or even understood what was possible within the greater burlesque community at large.
I ended up landing on a different production formula entirely, and never actually brought that scripted show to life. It was a great creative thought exercise that helped me find clarity on my vision and passion for this pursuit, which led to the original burlesque troupe’s m/o.
The ad I put out as a call for initial casting read –
“Do You Sing, Dance or Kick-Ass? The Sizzling Sirens Are Casting.”
I sure did and was all in from there.
A Sparkly Snowball Effect
Between 2007 - 2020, I produced, hosted, and performed in 100's of shows in Sacramento and the San Francisco Bay Area with my troupe, the Sizzling Sirens Burlesque Experience. We had a group of (on average) 8 core cast members, with regular guests and a production crew that put our numbers closer to 20 most of the time.
The Sizzling Sirens produced our own shows, performed at private events, and brought content to other productions. I’ve fulfilled every role related to the enjoyment and execution of a burlesque production many times over, settling into producer, emcee/host, and costume crafter as my very favorites.
We held rehearsals as a troupe 1-2x per week for over ten years. The strength of the sisterhood we cultivated and the entertainment we were able to produce is something that I am and will always be deeply grateful to have participated in. The studio time was truly precious to all of us, and it showed in its quality and in the outcomes it produced for the troupe both on and off stage.
For 7 of those years, I got to work with other top producers and performers from around the world on the production team of the largest burlesque festival and fundraising event in the country (see: the Burlesque Hall of Fame Weekender). The Sizzling Sirens performed in the competition aspect of that event with large group acts in 2013, 2015, and 2017.
“On stage I have been a turnip, a chocolate chip cookie, a baseball player, a mermaid, a crazy chef, an operation game board come to life, a cop, a dust bunny, 60 feet tall, a dating game host, a cheerleader, a bro, a toxic threat to the rainforest, a thirsty camel, a googly-eyed alien priestess, a pug, a cannabis farmer, a nursery rhyme character, a teacher, a fabled maiden, a pizza-craving surgeon, a horny wizard, a pop star, a cartoon cat, and much, much more. Yes, my closet was insane. And yes I taught myself how to sew.”
I found the community that I was searching for and developed a life family of incredible, creative sisters and humans that remain in my life in one form or another to this very day.
On stage I have been a turnip, a chocolate chip cookie, a baseball player, a mermaid, a crazy chef, an operation game board come to life, a cop, a dust bunny, 60 feet tall, a dating game host, a cheerleader, a bro, a toxic threat to the rainforest, a thirsty camel, a googly-eyed alien priestess, a pug, a cannabis farmer, a nursery rhyme character, a teacher, a fabled maiden, a pizza-craving surgeon, a horny wizard, a pop star, a cartoon cat, and much, much more. Yes, my closet was insane. And yes I taught myself how to sew.
I became a pivoting queen in the court of adaptability. I learned to think quickly and believe in the power of the collective. Backstage I’ve been focused, determined, excited, exhausted, brokenhearted, thrilled, anxious, completely calm, overwhelmed with gratitude, seen and held fully by others, and supported and believed in by my team.
I have been tested and retested in my patience, resilience, and perseverance many times. I’ve been shown the beauty of deep collaboration and trust, and the incredible capacity for creativity to joyously enrich our human experience. I’ve witnessed audience members becoming friends and lovers, performers and crew having each other's backs and working as one.
Changes Big and Bigger
With venue closures in Sacramento and various other competing factors in all of our lives, by 2019 the Sizzling Sirens were in a natural wind-down period. We still met and rehearsed as a group at least a couple of times a month, creating our signature style of choreography and character-heavy group acts and performing them at some of the shows we loved most, including the Darling Clementines in Sacramento, and the Hubba Hubba Revue in San Francisco.
And then there was a pandemic. Everything came to a screeching halt, and our lives moved further in their own directions in order to manage and cope with the unprecedented and unpredictable state of things. I did get all of the Sirens to download the app Marco Polo so that we could begin an ongoing video chat, to remain in connection and support of each other no matter what the future was going to bring. It worked, and we still communicate through that platform to this day (gotta love technology sometimes).
In early 2021, after almost a year of pretty intense inner work and contemplation about myself, my impact, and my future, I got everyone on a Zoom call and (though at that point it wasn’t really necessary) officially laid down the torch as leader of the troupe. We ended up sharing some really sincere words, and recounting some of our favorite and most impactful memories on the road to building the Siren family we will always be.
It was really lovely and felt like the perfect way to release myself from the mental and emotional responsibility I felt to the troupe and brand I started building at 21 years old. Sometimes we are blessed with natural endings, even in unnatural times. For that I am very grateful. Feeling the support of the sisters who helped shape me into the woman that I was, then 34, left me even more pumped to dig into this next chapter. Thanks, ladies - xoxo.
With that release, I got to make room for a lot more. I and have been able to enter into a period of learning and expansion that is setting the foundation for the next phase of my life and career, built on bricks laid with guts, grit and glitter, just like the burlesque queens and kings that came before me.
